Bring back the Romance in your marriage

"Where did the love go after marriage?" asked Shweta with a defeated look on her face. " Ours was a love marriage" she added " We met in college and were almost inseparable during those days. A perfect story book romance,we went against our families to be with each other and now, 9 years after marriage and with two kids, our love is almost dead. Though everything seems perfect on the surface I know in my heart he doesn't love me anymore."

" Have you ever ever talked about it to your husband?" I asked.

"Yes" confirmed Shweta " several times but he doesn't take it seriously. Everything in the world is important to him except me. I wonder what happens to love after marriage? Is this common? does everyone else feel this way and learn to live with the emptiness,or is there a way to keep the love alive?"

This is a common question thousands of married couples are asking. Some are asking friends and counselors and some are asking themselves.

Well, a "GREAT MARRIAGE" does not just happen it needs to be created and it certainly requires a lot of effort and commitment from both the partners. The good news is - this is a learn-able skill. The lost romance in a marriage can certainly be rekindled. The following tips have worked for most of my clients.

ACCEPT THE CHANGE: He has changed,He doesn't have time for me anymore; She is always complaining; She was so caring earlier, now she nags all day; she used to gel well with my family, now she has problem with everything,etc... These are some common accusations we hear.

Do people really change after marriage? No. Actually they Change while dating or during courtship. They come back to their true nature after marriage.

When we are in love or are engaged for marriage,we are almost in an euphoric state, emotionally obsessed with each other. We think of our partners while going to bed and they are there in our mind when we wake up in the morning. We do a lot of things to impress our partner and make him/her fall more for us and marry us. In short we show them our best versions since there is still an insecurity attached. The indifference seems trivial. Once we are married and now we "OWN" our spouse , We slowly come off that enchanted "in- love" state. Our eyes open and we realize that some of his/her personality traits are rather irritating. Those little traits we overlooked now seem like mountains.

What to do - The good news is, if a married couple, even after their "in-love" phase is over, chooses to find back the love in their relationship, it is possible. That kind of love begins with an attitude - a way of thinking that says "I am married to you and I choose to look out for your interest" . The first step is to recognize the "in-love" experience for what it was - a temporary emotional high - and now pursue "real love" with your spouse. The love that unites reason and emotion and that needs effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person knowing that if his/her life is enriched by your efforts- you too will find a satisfaction- the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another.

GENUINE APPRECIATION: A wife is supposed to cook dinner that is her responsibility and a husband is supposed to pay the bill, that is his job, why do they need to be appreciated for that?..... Do you remember when was the last time you appreciated your spouse for the little things he/she does to make your life easy and comfortable. Most of us commit the mistake for taking the better half of our life for granted.

The desire for love and appreciation is deep rooted in the human psyche. We all need to be appreciated for our positive actions. Appreciation draws more good from us. How do we encourage our children for positive actions, by appreciating them, by praising them and gently patting them on their back. Inside every adult too is a child yearning for acknowledgement and appreciation. Every human ear craves for appreciation.When we don't get it at home sometimes we look for it elsewhere. An underappreciated husband may turn a workaholic and try to get the appreciation at work, an underappreciated wife may show her frustration through arguments,anger and resentment.

What to do : - Cultivate the habit of deliberately praising your spouse (if it doesn't come to you naturally) for the efforts he/she puts in and be very generous about it ( you don't have to pay a thing for it anyway !! )

Try to bunk off the old habit of keeping a score of wrongs and bringing up past failures. Accept each other for the imperfections and be grateful for your spouse's strength. Try writing a love letter for a change. Compliment your Spouse in presence of parents and friends, tell your children what a wonderful mother/father, she/he is.. Make him/her feel important because that's what she/ he actually is.

LEARN YOUR PARTNER'S LOVE LANGUAGE: "Our marriage is over, he doesn't give me time at all " said Shweta as a reason to why she feels unloved. When I talked to her husband, separately, he said "That's sheer nonsense.I am working so hard for her and the kids, they are my world" . Shweta and her husband here are having a communication gap. They do not understand each others love language.

Imagine you are in love with a person who knows only Tamil and you know only Hindi. How are you going to communicate?.... by pointing,drawing etc right? but that kind of communication is quite awkward,isn't it? Communication becomes a lot easier if we understand the other person's language and can communicate in that language.

As in linguistics, we all have our specific primary Love Language...The way in which we express our love to others and expect to be loved. But the Love language for two people in a relationship are most of the time different and they do not understand or speak each other's Love language. For example here in Shweta's case her love Language is "Quality Time" if only her husband gave her more time (further probe required for what quality time means for her), she would have felt loved. The husband's love language in this case is "Act of Service" he is expressing his love for Shweta and her kids by working more and providing them a better life. Love for both of them means very different things. They are speaking in two different languages you see. This is a very common situation for most of the married couples and very often leads to stress, exhaustion and feeling of being used.

Psychologist Dr Gary Chapman has divided the love languages into 5 main types. These languages have further various dialects and are extensively used by marriage counselors.

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

What to do : - Innumerable number of couples spend their whole life speaking in different "Love Languages" never understanding why whatever they do fails to have an emotional impact on their partner. Once you learn your partner's "Love Language" and start expressing your love in his/her language the effects will be phenomenal.The relationship would revive and you would connect with your partner at a different level. The missing love would be found back for it was always there it was just in a foreign language which you could not understand.

UNDIVIDED ATTENTION: With the advent of technology this days one thing we often complain about is giving and getting quality time to family. With more and more families where both husband and wife work it is even more important to deliberately take out some time for your spouse. Oh, but we go to movies every weekend or have dinner after work twice a week you may say.... But spending quality time together doesn't include watching a movie together, sitting in the restaurant staring at your phones, answering mails while eating or watching TV at home together but not talking. These are examples of being in the proximity but not spending time together, there is a big difference between the two.

Some would say here, but we talk.. what do you talk about? The children, financial issues, problems with in laws, fault finding and blaming each other or simply preaching. That's not Quality time either.

What to do- By "spending quality time together" what I mean is to spend time together showing how much you value each other. No complains & no preaching, only genuine appreciation. Sit for some time together ( without phone/i pad/ TV) and recall some happy memories or talk about some common interest or encourage each other for their strengths. Be mindful of the moment. A walk in the garden, or just having a cup of coffee together would suffice, provided your spouse has your undivided attention.

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